I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
