So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
