Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
