Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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