did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize