I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
