I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
