I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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