As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
