taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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