Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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