At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
