I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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