I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
