I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
