I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
