I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
