You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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