I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
