Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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