Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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