you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize