I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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