Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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