I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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