if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Your cock deserves a montage
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
