I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My friends, they love my intelligence
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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