and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
