And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize