Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
