They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
