You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
this just has baby written all over it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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