I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
