I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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