I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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