I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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