Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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