Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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