The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
