I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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