She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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