There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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