My sheets look like a crime scene.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
