You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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