Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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