Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
