Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
