Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
