My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
