Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
