in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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