I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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