I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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