when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
