the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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