Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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