Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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