I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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