Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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