My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
