Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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