birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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