you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
