just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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