I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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