I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize